wow. it's been some time since i last blogged. all the blogs i follow were deleted from my list. well, fuck. i just haven't been compelled to write. i'm an editor now, y'all. like official freelance style and shit. like i actually have a contract and i make ALMOST no money. so, let's dig in.
masculinity.
adly, with the rise of the metrosexual, closely followed by that of the hipster, the lines have been blurred. well, folks, i have the answer. girls, suck at everything and have phobias. in the last few weeks boyfriend has said a handful of times that i make him feel more masculine. and i was all, "the fuck? how?". but i totally didn't say that. i THOUGHT it. and then there was tonight, which is why i'm up typing this. i can't sleep. i'm scared as fuck. i'm edgy and nervous and paranoid. have you ever spent your entire life scared of something and trying to hide it because it's irrational AND you want to play normal life? that's basically what my arachniphobia boils down to. and tonight one came into our house. and i want to die. in a lot of ways i mean that very literally. it's THAT scary, assholes. this is a MAJOR setback. we're sleeping with the lights on again. my vision is bad enough as it is and now i think everything is scary. i'm jumpy. i'm scared of going to the bathroom or walking down the stairs alone or not having my neck covered. and the suckiest part is that i was ALREADY scared. it's just that i had put my fear into this manageable... hmmm... i don't know. i put it on the DL. you know for myself as well... most importantly myself really.
whatevs. the worst part is the dependence. i have no job. i freelance for shit and the job we had hoped AND PRAYED for didn't pan out. it was a long shot and i knew it. an entirely new position for a very large company would have had to be created for moi. i just wish the a-hole had told me three months ago that we were going to remain on a consulting contract three months ago (with no hope of the position coming to fruition) so i would have looked for other work. i'm still trying to freelance it and it's giving me all sorts of i-suck-at-life complexes. so, i also make boyfriend feel masculine because he has to take care of me and support me because i'm his little unemployed waif (who needs to lose 10 lbs FAST). and we're never getting engaged.
regardless, i love him silly. i just want to fucking marry him. is that so much to ask?!?!?!? godamnit st. jude. you REALLY didn't pull through. again. and quite frankly, neither did i.
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