ineedatrustfund

i got a wild hair to write something

2012-01-26T11:52:00.000-08:00

so, i'm all engaged up in here and the ring is fucking AMAZING. all my photos are on my laptop downstairs and i am WAY too lazy to go get them. at any rate, y'all know i don't come here to be all happy and shit. my efforts in that direction were just poop. it's all about the venting and the bitching. remember my ex-boyfriend, trent harris? the one who writes/directs/film/acts terrible movies, but has an inexplicable "cult" following including my oldest brother? at any rate, he sends me a facebook message- because god forbid we use email like the old farts we are. and he's all, "someone emailed me that you wrote some terrible things on a blog" or some shit like that. and i'm like, "duh. you've always known i've had this blog." did i write terrible things about him? probably. did he deserve them? definitely. am i too lazy to go back through the archives and check? you bet your ass i am. will i ever stop writing and answering my own questions? yes please. the point is, DUDE, you are 60-something or whatevs. why the fuck do you care? and feigning a congratulations regarding my recent engagement is really how you should start that shit, you self-centered prick. go ahead, narc, tell him about this post too. oh, and judd is all up in my shit lately too. the wanting of what you can't have (and couldn't get it up for anyway). but judd's alright in his own way. because he's not a phony. he's just a fucking bastard. i mean he's as phony as everyone else covering up his insecurities and shit. but he's not an EXTRAphony. whatevs. the fiance is the best. like so fucking good and wonderful it's laughable. i've gotta get to a "business" meeting. maybe one day i'll get paid for this fucking project. so far it's just been a couple months of pro bono ass-kissing. and then back to wedding planning... 'cause I'M FUCKING ENGAGED Y'ALL. cheers to that!

and this is why i don't edit drunk...

2011-07-06T08:49:00.000-07:00

... see the previous post. that's what i get for having phobias that make me try to (unsuccessfully) drink myself to sleep, which in turn causes me to get deep bone and joint pains from exhaustion and now i'm all hopped up on pain killers. poop.

i'm back! for tonight anyway

2011-07-06T00:07:00.000-07:00

wow. it's been some time since i last blogged. all the blogs i follow were deleted from my list. well, fuck. i just haven't been compelled to write. i'm an editor now, y'all. like official freelance style and shit. like i actually have a contract and i make ALMOST no money. so, let's dig in.

masculinity.

adly, with the rise of the metrosexual, closely followed by that of the hipster, the lines have been blurred. well, folks, i have the answer. girls, suck at everything and have phobias. in the last few weeks boyfriend has said a handful of times that i make him feel more masculine. and i was all, "the fuck? how?". but i totally didn't say that. i THOUGHT it. and then there was tonight, which is why i'm up typing this. i can't sleep. i'm scared as fuck. i'm edgy and nervous and paranoid. have you ever spent your entire life scared of something and trying to hide it because it's irrational AND you want to play normal life? that's basically what my arachniphobia boils down to. and tonight one came into our house. and i want to die. in a lot of ways i mean that very literally. it's THAT scary, assholes. this is a MAJOR setback. we're sleeping with the lights on again. my vision is bad enough as it is and now i think everything is scary. i'm jumpy. i'm scared of going to the bathroom or walking down the stairs alone or not having my neck covered. and the suckiest part is that i was ALREADY scared. it's just that i had put my fear into this manageable... hmmm... i don't know. i put it on the DL. you know for myself as well... most importantly myself really.

whatevs. the worst part is the dependence. i have no job. i freelance for shit and the job we had hoped AND PRAYED for didn't pan out. it was a long shot and i knew it. an entirely new position for a very large company would have had to be created for moi. i just wish the a-hole had told me three months ago that we were going to remain on a consulting contract three months ago (with no hope of the position coming to fruition) so i would have looked for other work. i'm still trying to freelance it and it's giving me all sorts of i-suck-at-life complexes. so, i also make boyfriend feel masculine because he has to take care of me and support me because i'm his little unemployed waif (who needs to lose 10 lbs FAST). and we're never getting engaged.

regardless, i love him silly. i just want to fucking marry him. is that so much to ask?!?!?!? godamnit st. jude. you REALLY didn't pull through. again. and quite frankly, neither did i.

we're never getting engaged

2011-04-05T16:44:00.001-07:00

oh fuck me upside down. things are so good and so bad right now that i just want to sleep for the rest of my life. so, boyfriend let me quit my job under that ego-maniacal, pervert, fuckwad shit-for-brains. and then said fucktard couldn't take it and he fired me the morning of my last day. and the state still granted me unemployment. and, quite frankly, i think they should have since i was basically terrorized into quitting in the first place AND because if the dumbshit needs to "win" so badly that he fires me... well, i got fired fair and square. and that's when he realized that *I* was STILL winning and he's appealing the decision. needless to say, revisiting my days at bodell construction and hearing mike's disgusting, cracking voice (god, i'll be able to smell that weird stench that eminates from his skin through the phone... i mean, all the showering and cologne in the world can't cover that shit up) is stressing me the fuck out. but here's where it all really went awry. so, i was being terrorized at work to the point that i was coming home sobbing on a regular basis... a VERY regular basis. and boyfriend is a good man. so, we talked about our budget and where we could make cuts (like i had no fucking idea in fuck how much we were paying our cleaning lady) so that i could quit and concentrate on my editing and sort of housewife or whatever. and when we decided this, he told me we would have to push the engagement ring back and i knew it was worth it. you know, sparkles can wait for sanity's sake and shit. so, he said that i would get it by our first anniversary, which is in a month and a half. this weekend we are going to the cabin for a mini-vacation and i was POSITIVE he was going to propose. dead fucking wrong. he forgot that he promised to propose within afore mentioned time frame citing my unemployment possibly ending as a reason. so, i'm kind of losing my shit because i need to be engaged. i love boyfriend and he is the only one for me, but motherfuckfuckfuck, i CANNOT go ask a priest to use their services and their church to get married if i'm not FUCKING ENGAGED. and that probably means that all the churches will be booked on november 12, so... fuck it. i'm so fucking depressed.

also, i made us start a vegan cleanse that goes for fourteen days. we've made it through a day and a half. fucking VEGAN. i LOATHE vegans. and no booze. FOR TWO FUCKING WEEKS. and like super vegan... no breads or pastas or any of that shit. just kill me already.

the truth about boyfriend

2011-03-14T16:24:00.000-07:00

so, boyfriend has these awful super-tight brown jeans. they sound sexy already, right? brown. jeans. but here's the best part. they give him man camel toe. SERIOUS camel toe. in my usual fashion of behaving appropriately, i thought i would give him a subtle hint not to wear said pants as telling him i hate them was not effective. i'm a woman who gets results, people. which is exactly why i spent most of today poking him in the package and making a "boop" noise. it totally worked. it DID have one side effect, however. and that side effect was boyfriend saying, "i'm going soap up this thumb and stick it, to the hilt, in your butthole." and that, my friends, is romance.

for evs... because i'm a dick

2011-02-17T10:16:00.000-08:00

sorry about the hiatus for anyone that reads this dribble, but i've been SEVERELY depressed. at any rate, it turns out that best boyfriend times is just the best. period. but i'll get to that in a minute. so, we totally got the boar's head (king henry) from my last post and i'm too lazy to post pictures right now. he's amazing. and we got a maid who we have to fire, but back to that in a minute. she's also amazing. and a new sound system is coming in today because boyfriend's is shit. the music blares so loud i want to rip my head off and then i can't hear any dialogue at all. i'm kind of hating the shit out of natalie portman right now after watching "closer" again last night for the first time in years. it's because i'm a dick. after getting so thin for "black swan" (oh fuck! i wish i were 24 again. that was MY body, but i have bigger tits). anyway now i'm fat and i hate her for not being keeping herself that thin... pregnancy be damned. good god, i am a bad person. this is the first time i've projected my own body issues on to someone else this way. "black swan" just totally fucked me up i guess. WAY too close to home. i still wish i was fucking dancing though. the point is that i also got hair extensions from boyfriend for valentine's and they are pretty tits... i think. i'm still feeling it out. so, why would i be depressed with all this awesome shit? because of my fucking job. more specifically because of my fucking supervisor who told me that i work "at his pleasure". the fuck, right? fuck that fuck. at any rate, we had this discussion because basically i am REALLY genuinely good at my job, but i won't do the bullshit busy work crap he asks for and, as an anal-retentive micro-managing fucktard to top all other fucktards past, present and future, he tells me that i can a) really commit to my position (read: do his bullshit busy work and answer correctly when he asks me every fucking week in our fucking unbearable meeting if i "have any praise" for him... for real y'all... this shit is going down) and let him meet with me daily to see a 1/2 breakdown of my entire day, so he knows what i'm doing (KILL ME), b) admit that i am not competent and take a huge pay cut, as well as be shuffled around the office or c) quit and work part-time until i find something new. PUH-LEEEEEEZE. like he'd live up to c. whatevs. i'm currently the editing consultant for the research and development department at one of the biggest pathology labs (ever?) and it should go permanent by july (fingers crossed and st. jude candles lit). so, best boyfriend times is all, "do whatever you want, baby. we'll cut back expenses, let sue go (our amazing cleaning lady) until you get things settled and i'll take care of us". oh my fucking shit, that man is AMAZING. seriously. so, next week when my "boss" and i meet again i'm going to replace options a,b and c with options 1 and 2: 1) i work part time- mon through wed- and work on what *I* think is important while coming in fulltime for proposals as needed, or 2) force him to fire me and milk the unemployment. so, yeah... i'm kind of going to be a kept woman for a bit unless a shitton of editing comes in, which would be ideal and also the maid. i'm so cool with that. sucks that we have to push the engagement ring back again to do this, but i'm pretty thrilled that i will not be considering bashing into a barrier or driving into oncoming traffic every goddmaned day anymore. guy is going to be bummed about daycare, but i'll still take him at least once a week just to see his buddies. so, that's what's going on and shit. oh, and best boyfriend times is still going to pay for the upkeep of these damn hair extension. he's a fucking saint.

our growing brood

2011-01-12T17:16:00.000-08:00

so, guy winston churchill has a girlfriend named birdie. today daycare emailed me mid-afternoon to send the cutest fucking thing EVER:

oh. my. fucking. shit. look how protective he is of her! apparently, this is pretty much a daily occurrence, but having the camera ready at the same time is not. so, they were running around like crazy nibbling each other or however the hell dogs flirt and then they came to a dead halt from exhaustion. i can't believe my dog got engagement photos before i did.

at any rate, i've wanted a boar's head for as long as i can remember (circa 2000 or 2001), and, sorry folks, i didn't seal the idea from the bloggess- even though i love her. i stole it from the "royal tenebaums" because i'm gay. and my condo is also painted pink after the same... until friday when it gets repainted for my tenants. that's right. i'm a landlord, y'all!!!

the point is, you should say hello to king henry! i finally have a fireplace and thusly an appropriate place to mount a boar. i put a down payment on his highness yesterday and we should have the rest gathered by friday. so, fuck yeah! my house is finally going to be more hunting lodge-esque. and, YES, THAT IS A FUCKING REAL BOAR YOU ASSHOLE FUCKTARD DOUCHEFUCK VEGAN FUCK. i mean if there are any of them reading this shit anyway.

also, i think boyfriend is aiming to propose this week, but i can't be certain. the hints have been coming in though and i know the ring is ready. life is pretty good (except for my fucking job, but i'll let that slide for other life awesomeness). bottoms up!

i am a dick

2011-01-05T18:48:00.000-08:00

i am so resentful towards boyfriend right now. first off, he's taken to the ways of my exes and made me feel pretty amazingly shitty about myself lately. one thing he said, i may never shake. but he is wonderful and i do love him. and he is the man i'm going to marry, but i am fucking pissed. i don't know if he's stress over the ring or that i'm having a hard time lately and that's hard for him in turn, but he needs to buck the fuck up and talk about it or shut the fuck up as in projecting via other means... and i mean, MEAN. and then there's the fact that i HATE my job. that i work for the stupidest, most retarded, passive-aggressive, identity crisesed, micro-managing fuckface on the face of the planet. who also makes me work 8am to 5pm with no exceptions even when there is nothing the fuck to do because he has no fucking life so he takes it out on everyone else... well, anyone he can force to be a subordinate. all the while boyfriend is off getting paid at least 3 times what i make with all the flexibility and benefits in the world doing a job he loves and when he talks about it, it feels like he's rubbing it in, but i'm just being a bitch because i'm miserable as fuck. and then i come home and cook and he never finishes the fucking dishes, which was the initial agreement until (read: if) he ever gets a fucking portable dishwasher. and then he's a fucking martyr all the goddamn time about how he mopped the floors or some shit. eat a dick, dude. eat a dick. please know, if you've kept on with my senseless, self-serving dribble that i'm venting. boyfriend is fucking amazing or i wouldn't be marrying him, but seriously- SERIOUSLY- grow a fucking pair. why do i have to baby the fuck out of him and he gets all pansy ass on shit that he does to me as well?!?!? overall, he is the bestbestbest, but this aggression will not stand, man. i hate most of my life.

please, please, please (PLEASE!!!)

2010-12-17T15:04:00.000-08:00

i'm not gonna lie. i have been BEGGING boyfriend for this for at least a month (his name is philip). at any rate, philip was being sold for quite a sum, so i did not expect to get him.

boyfriend kept taunting that if i wanted to wait on my engagement/wedding ring, i could have philip. but i need to sparkle, goddamnit! BUT now philip is listed as "no longer available". so, boyfriend got me the best christmas ever... orrrrrrrr -not gonna lie again, philip is with someone else and i will forever be devastated. fingers crossed! also, i have a fucking fireplace to hang him above!!! dear sweet jesus, let me have philip. i'm a bad person.

i was totally drunk when i wrote that last post

2010-12-12T10:10:00.000-08:00

seriously. SO. DRUNK. and boyfriend had taken too much cold medicine, so he wouldn't wake up and tell me consoling things, which forced me to drunk blog... it's bullshit, non? the point is, who the fuck came up with the term "passing gas". fart is WAY less gross. if anyone ever, asks if my dog just passed gas i am going to tell that motherfucker to suck it WHILE i'm kicking his nard sac in. (is it nard sacs? or is it just one sac with two nards? then should it be nards' sac? this is all so confusing). but, honestly no one would ever ask about guy farting because it's pretty fucking OBVIOUS. i can only assume in this case that the douchetard will ask, "is your dog GOING to pass gas?", which will result in the same consequence, except WAY worse because that is basically a rhetorical question. what a pretentious fuck.

2010-12-10T22:11:00.000-08:00

i have no idea how much of this blog you've read, but if you'd read all of it, you'd understand my fears to a VERY SMALL degree. i have absolute faith in andy. he is devoted and faithful and handsome... and just andy. he's what i want. but then there's me. what if i go crazy(er)? what if i just fuck it up just because i can't handle love? what if i self-sabotage? i'm so fucking scared.

SO. FUCKING. SCARED.

i have no doubt he's the one. but i have something far beyond doubt that *I* am the one. i love him like i never really believed this kind of love existed.

i approved the wax replica of the ring two days ago.

i've never wanted to be anything, but married since i can remember. why is it so goddamned fucking scary when it's for serious, matil?

fuck.

still alive... sort of

2010-11-28T11:42:00.000-08:00

so, i've been in bed loaded up on mimosas and painkillers for the last two and a half days watching buttloads of arrested development, which would be awesome if i didn't have whiplash. that shit hurts like a motherfucker and the pain pills seem to do more for my morale than the actual pain. also, i am glued to my old people heating pad. how did i get said whiplash, you ask? boyfriend, whilst drunk, thought it a fabulous idea to pick me up and jump onto his already broken bed with me (read: my head landed on the wood frame and he landed on me and i blacked out). the following day was thanksgiving and i managed to cook breakfast for his family all by my lonesome (while stressing the fuck out, of course), but my deli-cut brown sugar and cinnamon bacon was off the charts. my head was killing me, but i managed to get his family out the door and make fresh beets (which i boiled the previous night with bay leaves) with onions in a ginger-orange glaze for my family's thanksgiving. everything except my head seemed fine. until... i woke in the middle of the night in excruciating pain and started bawling. i still had to go into work on friday because my boss is a fuck, but i was only going half day as we planned to pack and move over the weekend. trying to check your blind spot with whip lash may be the most painful thing ever... and possibly cause a car accident leading to more whip lash. i cried the whole way home and made boyfriend acquire painkillers and heating pad and stock up on supplies for mimosas. and now he's paying most of the cost to have movers pack up my condo and move it for us. so, MAYBE it was worth it. and the new bed should be ordered this week. sheesh.

good times with the best people (singular)

2010-11-23T18:34:00.000-08:00

oh evs! i was just reminiscing about seeing george carlin together. god, i miss your guts!!!

my baby is growing up too fast

2010-11-12T14:25:00.000-08:00

HAPPY FUCKING BIRTHDAY TO MY BABY BOY!!! guy winston churchill ____-federer is 4 today. and i'm getting him a bath for his birthday. due to a large collection of toys and beds, as well as flatulence there wasn't much else to get him. maybe some extra love. we moved into boyfriend's this week and guy is pretty confused and can't let me out of his sight. we're not totally settled. i just have most of my clothes and stuff to get ready in the mornings. things will pick up this weekend. guy has had a sweet set up at boyrfriend's for a while, so that worked out nice. at any rate, bottoms up to my little stinkbug!

and a very fond moment of silence in recognizing the anniversary of philosophy matt's suicide, with a big side of love.

p.s. the ring is being made! i should be engaged in a month or so!!!

also...

2010-11-08T19:49:00.000-08:00

this is too damn cute not to post. you know you want him, but he's all MINE!!! (and boyfriend's as we are a FAMILY for fuck's sake). can you even believe someone used to beat the shit of that sweetness?!?! when i find them, the bear will come out and mauling shall ensue... without further adieu........... the stinkbug!

introducing...

2010-11-08T18:56:00.000-08:00

(almost) dr. and mrs. boyfriend with middle and last name! yep. we went and looked at the ring today and i chose which diamond i want for the center. and i stayed nearly $10k under budget (which [the budget] was almost as much as i make in a year):

but don't you fret, dear reader, for boyfriend shall be spoiled to the best of my capabilities. since the algorithm for a girl's engagement ring is 3 months salary (i live in utah, people... UTAH. they have been drilling this shit into my head since grammar school). at any rate, boyfriend gets three months of my salary too. assuming i haven't murdered my boss by then... MOTHERFUCKER. i'll bitch about that pathetic turd of a fuckwad later. what i'm getting at is that, although it is going to be VERY fiscally hard on me, i am getting boyfriend an engagement rolex. godamnit! when you find a man like the love of mine, you HAVE to spoil the shit out of him. and yes, YES I AM WEARING A CAPTAIN EO SHIRT!!! fuck yeah. and for desert? meand my child:

best spotty belly times!

still here

2010-11-04T09:35:00.000-07:00

so, i'm not dead and i'm still not ready to start posting about the cabin trip a while back. maybe later today. the point it that i have so much exciting news, but i don't want to write anything until it's all set in stone because i'm superstitious. and i won't have disney world pics for another week and a half. be consoled in knowing that i had an amazing captain eo marathon. the point is that boyfriend and i are going to carmina burana tomorrow night and i am freaking the fuck out:

i haven't seen this shit in 12 years and it's one of my favourite ballets. i'm going to cry my eyes out and lament my long lost 14 year ballet "career". i cannot fucking wait!

OMG OMG OMG interwebs!!!

2010-10-28T14:51:00.000-07:00

so, i've been in disney world since sunday (it's now thursday) with no internet connection because fucking disney wants to do you up the ass by charging you $10/day to use the goddamned internet that should be included in the already exorbitant rates you're paying to stay at a disney fucking hotel and all the money you've spent on captain EO shit. breathe. * captain EO captain EO captain EO * so, i'm still here and shit, but daddy let me get the internet for 24 hours because i was freaking out because i don't know what's going on with baseball or tennis. and i STILL haven't checked that shit. the fuck, self? also, i'm here til next sunday. fucking shoot me. * captain EO captain EO captain EO * ok, so when we got here there was me + 3 mimosas + 1 klonopin + 1 trazodone + 2 xanax + 2 dramamine=

me: daddy? are we going to the gatorades?

daddy: the WHAT?!

me: the gatorades. i want to see the crocodiles.

daddy: no. we are not going to the EVERGLADES to see the ALLIGATORS.

yay drugs! i haven't had a glass of wine in 5 fucking days (not counting the sunday morning mimosas i made boyfriend make to keep me calm). uncle!!! i miss my fucking DOG!!!!!!!! guh.

p.s. it must be holiday in england because this shit is rampant with brits

cleanliness is next to godliness

2010-10-22T08:31:00.000-07:00

so, we started out the cabin with boyfriend pouring me a tub:

cooking and shit

2010-10-21T09:08:00.000-07:00

so, i'm still not ready to post cabin pics, but this might be even better. last night i made the most amazing turkey/mushroom/ricotta/basil meatloaf ever to exist. also, i made up most of the recipe, so i feel pretty badass. what i'm getting at is that boyfriend will never regret getting me that food processor. and when he gets me the mixer i want he will have things such as these:

that was one i ordered from a local bakery for daddy and my birthdays a few years ago. it was delicious! i wish i'd taken the photo before i put the candles in, however. then there is one i ordered for a coworker about a few years ago:

this one doesn't look as polished, but it was so fucking good. i had fresh rasperries from the farmer's market in the middle. man alive, do i know how to order awesome cakes!

going places

2010-10-19T13:07:00.000-07:00

so, last weekend was family (read: boyfriend, dog and me) weekend at my cabin. i have a lot of shit to post, but i need to prepare it first, so you'll have to wait. i'm probably the only one who gives a fuck anyway. the point is that boyfriend has declared us "engaged to be engaged" and we are looking at a house tomorrow. to rent. we don't need a starter home. we already have to deal with renting out my condo. we already drive to yoga in a bmw and now (possibly) a house in harvard/yale?!?!?! total yuppies. i am everything i never wanted to be and i love it.

ok?! (with update)

2010-10-14T10:27:00.000-07:00

for the past 11 years i have been battling my parents for unsupervised use of our cabin. to no avail, however, because they didn't want to encourage my sinful lifestyle. so, my girlfriend is having her wedding reception at brighton ski resort this weekend and i thought i'd give it a shot since the cabin is right there.

mom: "did you just send a text to dad's phone?"

me: "yes. did you read it."

mom: "no. i don't know how and your father is driving."

me: "can boyfriend and i have the cabin this weekend?"

mom (to dad): "can she use the cabin this weekend?"

mom (to me): "the key is in the drawer in the family room."

the fuck?!?!? ummm... boyfriend can never leave me because... the fuck?!?!? so, cabin times with guy and wedding booze. hooray. oh and i'm going to make some fucking awesome buffalo chili in the crockpot. so, yeah we're going to load up on scary movies and rock out with our cocks out or whatever. roll out with your hole out? fall leaves in the canyon, doggie times, mimosas and long cool runs (7 minute miles, bitches!). fuck yeah!

in my shitty health news, i get tested for anemia tomorrow, but daddy is quite sure i have a far more severe and difficult to diagnose blood problem, disease, or whatever. awesome.

UPDATE: so daddy's all, "i'm calling in for you to get a full cbc [complete blood count]". so, of course, i google that shit and then it says that it's a way to test for leukemia. FUCKING LEUKEMIA. then i look at the symptoms of leukemia and i have MOST of them. for serious, matil. FUCK. but daddy's all, "well, it's not like it didn't cross my mind, but i doubt you have leukemia." not really that reassuring. so, yeah, boyfriend is taking me in for blood work tomorrow. JHC, man. also, daddy learned to text. and now (dun dun dun dun....) he's learned to picture text. it's been non-stop today:

so, he calls me to tell me he's had an accident on his mountain bike and that he's worried because god only knows that the thought of anything happening to daddy sends me straight into a panic attack with a side of hives and a suicide self-made pact. that's his shin, by the way. now with photographic evidence. this is basically worse than "mom likes" on facebook. and i KNOW. boyfriend's mom has put me through the ringer many times. fuck, man. also, this is totally proof that i am TOTALLY his daughter. way to go us!

the family

2010-10-12T08:11:00.000-07:00

it would seem that guy wants to be gozer from ghost busters for halloween rather than his namesake, winston churchill. i fuckling love our first real family portrait curtesy of big brother at birthday dinner for me and daddy at parents' house. boyfriend and i are stabilizing fast and i am on cloud 9. and then there's my fucking job... blech.

but if our plans go as planned (oooooh!), i should be out of here within a year. oh yeah. and i probably have melanoma. i'm totally freaking out. thank god for boyfriends who go to the doctor with you and hold your hand and answer the doctor's questions when you freeze up in a panic attack. thank god for boyfriends who know you SO well that they CAN answer any and all of doctor's questions.

patience. the (bullshit) virtue...

2010-10-08T15:52:00.000-07:00

... not the sweetass gn'f'n'r song. boyfriend has decided to finish his phd in may rather than december. this is good in that i will have some paid vacation time for our trip to turkey, but we also have to spend a week in ny for my 10 year vassar reunion and nyc time and boston time (YUCK! fuck boston, man). the point is, i know we're going to get engaged, but i think he wants to propose in turkey. and since we are having a lot of ups and downs, i should be happy to have the time to stabilize. but guess what? i'm not. because i want a bigass fucking rock on my finger and the surety that we can't break up again. for now i must settle for the food processor he got me for my birthday. looks like buffalo meatloaf and roasted tomato basil soup are in our near future. also, the ring i'm almost positive i want is $40k, so he needs to save and shit.

a letter (read: email) to evs...

2010-10-05T20:17:00.000-07:00

... because i don't tell my friends how much i love them often enough:

evs! my truest love! i am so sad i missed your phone call, but i finally got laid and god knows when it's going to happen again, so forgive me. and it was [boyfriend], praise be. i love your message. i've listened to it a hundred times (read: 3) because i miss you so much. i'm sorry i haven't called back. i feel so drained and the only time i have a minute to spare is when i'm waiting on other people to do their job at work because i need their shit. but then i can't talk on the phone or i'll get in trouble and they'll still give me a guilt trip for leaving 10 minutes early to meet my mom for birthday dinner and shopping. MOTHERFUCKING SHOPPING, PEOPLE!!! this is probably going on the blog as i'm always too tired to write anymore. but things are getting better with boyfriend and MARK MY WORDS (again) i am going to marry that motherfucker. i have this need to write in dialogue for a moment. true story:

scene- in the car leaving costco with daddy

me: "if he breaks up with me i'm going to murder him"

daddy: "did you just say you were going to murder him?"

me: "yep"

daddy: "ok"

that man totally gets me. and then i actually had a nice time with my mother tonight. SOUND THE TRUMPETS!!! i got laid AND enjoyed my mother?!?!? talk about birthday miracles. so, we went to dinner and i kept telling her about the documentaries i've been watching on serial killers and the jonestown massacre and shit and she's all, "you can watch that, but you don't think you can handle this book?". and i'm like, "mom, that's why i would be a terrible serial killer; i get emotionally invested. so, no, i can't read that book." then we went to anthropologie. if you don't walk out of there with a purchase that makes you feel like you SHOULD be heading out to the mad hatter's tea party (from the BOOK, not the shitty fuckchild movie by tim burton), then you bought the wrong fucking thing. return that shit and really LOOK around. it's like walking out of banana republic without feeling like a naughty secretary. YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG, ASSHOLE. anyways, i feel strongly about stupid superficial stuff because i have WAY too much important stuff to feel strongly about and i need to project... because i'm healthy like that.

scene- shopping at anthropologie with mom

mom: "are you HUGGING that coat?!"

me: "no!" *hugs harder*

so now i have another coat and scarf to add to the HUGE coat closet i have that is already chalk full of coats and scarves. CHALK FULL! what the hell does that even mean? whatever. i SHOULD totally be going to the mad hatter's tea party, so i feel good about it. it's perfect for our french runaway. (runaway = verb)

good god, do i miss you! i am literally going to copy and paste this into the blog. i need to see you and drink wine and not stress out. sheesh. and probably yell inappropriate things at passer-bys and neighbors and shit. i really need a good acting out. with you.

love you to DEATH!!!

dénouement...

2010-10-02T22:10:00.000-07:00

how i long for thee....

and.... we're back.

2010-09-30T07:29:00.000-07:00

well, boyfriend and i are trying to make it work. we're going to make it fucking work if i have to kill him and taxidermy his body a la "psycho". i love that handsome man, goddamnit. and he's really making an effort. in good and bad news, i am back to my tiny ass college weight of 95 lbs and my boobs didn't shrink even the smallest amount. in bad news, the weight came off in an unnervingly short amount of time and my health is all sorts of fucked. whatevs. so we are a work in progress and we're going to be the most amazing end product ever. or else... i mean, he's my other half and ever since he came into my life, nothing makes sense without him. and the feelings are mutual.

in other news, it was brought to my attention- totally randomly- that judd is burning bridges faster than i am dropping pounds. i almost feel bad for him. ALMOST.

photoshop

2010-09-27T17:44:00.000-07:00

so, i'm getting a photoshop tutor to come in and bust that shit out with me and my boss. he wants it because he thinks that artistic photographs are still artistic when altered in very boring ways. i disagree, but what-the-fuck-evs. because i NEED it for my job. and not just to work with construction photos that aren't the best resolution or to ger rid of time stamps from old cameras, people. is it so wrong that i think all of my collateral material and project sheets should include guy? and bears? and bear ghosts? no it's not. because, REALLY, what is this construction company without guy? a guyless construction company. that's what. and NO ONE wants that. also, bears and bear ghosts totally show a competitive advantage. it says, "HEY MOTHERFUCKERS... WE ARE BRAVE AS FUCK!!!" in this economy, we can't afford not to have that advantage, photoshopped or non. see? (ok, so he doesn't like hoodies):

other than that, life is a mess. a big old i-am-depressed-as-possible-and-confusing-as-all-hell mess.

and andy's on his way over to make it even more confusing. fuck, man.

the perfect murder

2010-09-22T09:02:00.000-07:00

so, i was reading the bloggess today because she's fucking hilarious and i need that especially during a deep dark depression such as this. the kind where you realize that the time is drawing near when you will have to ask boyfriend, "are you cheating on me? or gay? or both?" and you're scared of the answer. and your new friend is telling you that you should wait until after your birthday to do so, which you agree with because you can't handle sitting home alone in a pretty dress crying through a couple of bottles of wine because judd ditched you because he was on a bender again like last year. this is a terrible conundrum. at any rate, judd is actually the best segue here ever, which is kind of sad because i write stream of consciousness and take great pride in my lack of segues (not just in writing, but in actual life... i'm real y'all. people have to HEAR me say this kind of shit on occasion). at any rate, the blogess went to the stanley hotel where stephen king was inspired to write "the shining". guess what? stephen king totally spoke at my college graduation AND i was friends with one of his offspring. what i'm saying is, he should be PAYING for me to go. plus i grew up in a mortuary and have chronic nightmares, so i could totally be of use to him. it's like he never has his best interests in mind. so, i want to go and shit and i probably could have had boyfriend take me because he was all going to spend a buttload on my birthday, but there were 2 problems: 1) it hadn't been brought to my attention that i wanted to go and 2) i started bawling and said that all i wanted was to go to my favourite restaurant and for him to actually SPEND time with me. like not just be in the same space, but pay attention to me. FML. but back to judd... i REALLY should go with him as he looks uncannily like jack nicholson in "the shining" and/or "one flew over the cuckoo's nest" but fatter. and crazier. and that would be a WAY better way to stay at a haunted hotel. plus, i'm stil convinced he's going to murder me and this would be a great place for it to go down. at any rate, i'm glad we can put this to rest, so to speak.

the big 800

2010-09-20T10:49:00.000-07:00

this is my 800th post and i've realized that i have absolutely no direction for this blog. while that might not be a bad thing entirely, it's not what i want. i need more structure in my life and that includes this shit. in case you were wondering, things are getting better with boyfriend, but i'm still deeply depressed. the cure-all? sex and money. i have $3k coming my way for the sale of my beloved '72 el camino to someone who can love it the way it deserves. the sex? i have absolutely no faith that it will ever happen again. we discussed how this was a HUGE part of my depression and boyfriend was trying to be supportive, but... well, fuck if i know. i NEED sex and i also NEED boyfriend. i want to marry the fucker (non-fucker) for chrissakes. can i spike his soup with a libido?

it's not getting better

2010-09-15T07:31:00.000-07:00

when boyfriend and i decided not to break up, i was at his house the following day or somewhere in that vicinity of time. and i lost my shit. completely. like when you are crying so hard that you're practically screaming and the force behind each sob is so great that you can't even muffle it just a little bit. that's how i was crying and it took me a while to calm down, which was totally making it worse because i was embarrassed and then my anxiety was all, "i totally want in on this", so then i was shaking like an epileptic as well. at any rate, boyfriend said "you are the saddest person i have ever seen in my entire life." and i wish he would notice that i'm still just as sad... that i am VERY HEAVILY depressed. but i don't want to nag or be a total downer because i rarely get to see him as it is and losing the small amount of time i DO have would send me over the edge. for serious, matil. oh, for fuck's sake! UNCLE!!! also, i just totally spelled uncle with a k. so, i'm also an idiot.

a short letter

2010-09-11T21:12:00.001-07:00

dear boyfriend,

i love you more than i could ever believe. i wish i was your work, so you would dote on me and spend the majority of your time with me. and you would cancel plans with people (not me because i am work in this scenario) to be with me.

i told you it would get better, but i need YOU to tell ME that it will with conviction,

girlfriend

2010-09-10T17:39:00.000-07:00

this is a completely undoctored photo of my celestial husband in 1988 (he was 24ish). ummmmm, nice bangs, baby. (relish this, pecan, for i have not only provided the photo, but told you his oh-so-secret age! RELISH... and i adore and miss your guts).

lunch with bill:

me: ALL OF MY PROBLEMS... LIFE IS A MESS... WHY WON'T YOU KILL ME LIKE YOU PROMISED?!?!?! YOU WON'T MISS ME, I'LL BE IN LIMBO WAITING FOR YOU... FUCKING ASSHOLE.

bill's answer: "you look really skinny and pretty. i noticed that you lost weight."

brilliant. i left with the first smile in ages.

hi uterus! nice of you to join us.

2010-09-10T07:40:00.000-07:00

well, my uterus kicked in today, which is certainly a mixed blessing at best, but whatevs. so, boyfriend didn't get worried yesterday, which is good, but he also wasn't consoling, which is bad. he thought i was stupid to take a pregnancy test (how the hell is peace of mind stupid?!?!? even if it IS irrational? and when did people start expecting me to be rational? fuck). his reasoning was sound, especially since he's a statistician getting a phd in public health. so, he told me that when they say on commercials for birth control that there is a percentage of error, it's really them covering their asses because they can't assume that everyone they surveyed answered honestly, where somone like me, who takes birth control daily and religiously, basically cannot get pregnant. but honestly... i think he's shooting blanks. pardon the details, but on the rare occasions that we do have sex, there's nothing extra inside of me even though i can feel him come. maybe he has no sperm. i don't fucking know. but maybe that's why he's so sure i'm not preggers. maybe i'm retarded. all i know is that i am exhausted and i have a lot of anxiety from work and last night i was promised to be pampered and taken care of to prevent a bout of chronic fatigue that could leave me bedridden for days. i can't miss work for this. if my boss starts to worry about my health, i'm fucked. so, boyfriend invited someone over to do yoga with him instead of the snuggling and massages he promised while i sat upstairs alone with my dog on the stupid fucking internet getting drunk out of spite. i love him so much, but jesus fucking christ on the cross with a spear!!! i don't know what to do. GUUUUHHHHHHH!!!

ok, i'm done venting now (maybe). i'm trying to hold it together today because i wore mascara again for the first time in weeks. i cried half of the drive to work, but i managed to clean it up. also, i'm judd obsessing. NOT. GOOD

it seemed like today would be good because the dog peed bright yellow ALL over his hind leg, but it was ok because i had already scheduled a bath at daycare to be finished right before i pick him up. and phil collins came on the radio THREE SEPARATE times this morning, which HAS to be good luck, right? RIGHT?!?!?!?! also, i apparently kneed boyfriend in the nards something awful last night while i was sleeping. way to go subconscious.

praise be

2010-09-09T18:34:00.000-07:00

so, i've been on birth control for i think over one year now... it could be two, but i'm in no mood to dig through old posts about judd and tell you for sure. at any rate, my period should have started 2 days ago, but no. and at first i was all, "FUCK YEAH!!!" and then i was all, "oh my fucking shit, i might be pregnant and if i have an abortion my life will turn into that ben folds five song and boyfriend and i will crumble and my family will find out and disown me because it's worse than a heroin addiction to them... or i'll have to have this fucking baby and i'll hate it and resent it forever for destroying my body because i'm vain and boyfriend and i will never get to do all the fun things we want to do... LIKE GO TO FUCKING TURKEY AND GET TURKISH MASSAGES EVERY FUCKING DAY!!! oh my christ!!!!!" this led me to buy what is pictured above. turns out i'm not pregnant, PRAISE GOD AND JESUS AND THE HOLY SPIRIT AND ST. JUDE! all this while my stress is out of hand as well as my chronic fatigue... or BECAUSE of those. fuck. at least i'm not preggers, y'all.

the flop

2010-09-08T08:44:00.000-07:00

i'm depressed again... SURPRISE!!! it would be so much easier if i weren't in love. let's not think about it. instead please note the bottom left corner of the photo above. it's a snapshot from the webcam at doggie daycare. guy winston churchill ______-federer started to walk towards a human and just flopped in exaustion. he has the cutest back legs in the whole fucking world. the cutest everything, really.

stating the obvious, plus other stuff

2010-09-04T18:32:00.000-07:00

as you've all probably surmised, because you're smarter than me, boyfriend ended up fighting for me... with reason (and a big side of love) AND HE WON. duh. i mean, boyfriend is the first time where i can't imagine my life without him. i've certainly made myself BELIEVE i felt that way about other people, but i KNEW otherwise. did anyone genuinely think for a second that judd was going to one day love me enough? or marry me? no. no one did (unless you're a fucking dickwad with the brain of a guppy... or an actual guppy). i didn't. but, man, a girl's got to have some self-preservation. mother. fucker. at any rate, it's still best boyfriend times, which means we'll still go to turkey this winter and shit. and this brings me to my point. i'm going to be helpful, y'all. not that any of you ever care when i am. i mean i posted a sweet ass recipe on here once and never heard shit back, but whatever. so, there is almost nothing better than a manicure and pedicure. but you have to go to an asian place. i'm not being racist here either- and if this is a sterotype, it's a motherfucking sweet one- because asians do the best job. i don't know why they are more thorough, or why they seem to genuinely take pride in the work. and i also don't know why they have the best prices. i just know that they do. and i know i'm always going to tip that shit more than 20% and still pay less than some bitchy, hipster, identity-crisis-ridden, entitled little white girl who chose to go to aesthetician school instead of massage school AND they're going to deserve it... and then some. if i had more money (this is the first month in over a year that i've been able to pay my own bills) i'd tip the motherfucking shit out of it. fuck 20%. whatevs. so, today boyfriend gave me a cheque for some editing i'd done and i splurged. i went to TOP NAILS on 3300 south (go there, salt lake citizens). i hadn't been in a years, but my last time was so awesome that i actually saved the receipt, so i would remember to go back. and i did. today. and not only did i get the BEST mani/pedi of my life, their massage chairs are AMAZING and i can move my right shoulder again, i had the best leg/foot massage followed by hot towels, my arm/hand massage was intense and followed by a hot stone massage, and for all this i was charged a mere $32. THIRTY-TWO FUCKING DOLLARS. and, man alive, they could not be a friendlier group of people. i mean, this was even better than my little shop on center just off canal in nyc. and that shit is LUCKY. i lost one of my diamond rings and didn't realize until hours later after shopping and a LONGASS wine lunch with friends. so, i go back completely devastated, BUT THEY HAD MY FUCKING RING. and they didn't have to be honest about that shit either. so new yorkers, GO THERE. plus it was a gift from daddy making superdooper important that i find it. the point is, we all deserve an awesome mani/pedi and the aesthetician deserves an awesome tip. and asians do it better. just sayin'.

all the bandaids in the world...

2010-09-01T09:30:00.000-07:00

it's wednesday. i haven't showered since sunday. i have ingested one slice of pizza, 3 cups of coffee, 3 bottles of wine and some water in the last 54 hours. i have never cried so much in my entire life... and i was a VERY dramatic teenager. i am asleep by 8.30 every night because i'm worn out from bawling. on monday i had to leave work because i couldn't keep it together. yesterday i was grateful for an office door so i could sob through work while breaking up with my love. my heart hurts and i pretty much hate everything. except guy, my faithful pup, who has not left my side for one second since the saddness set in. and good fucking god is it sad!

UPDATE: boyfriend said, "i ruined the relationship and you ended it." i hate to say it, boyfriend, but you're (mostly) right. i should retitle this post "all the klonopin, xanax and trazadone in the world..." i mean, i could add A LOT more than that, but it's all i have in my purse at the moment. well, also birth control because i'm concerned about immaculate conception because god probably (OR SHOULD) feels really guilty right now and he might misguidely think a demi-god baby would help. but that's because god forgot that i HATE babies. i'm so fucked royal.

also, god gave me a stupid PC at work, so i can't make the update red. why do you hate formatting, god?!?!?!? i'm totally buying a new st. jude candle this week.

UPDATE 2: oh my god! it's not god that hates formatting... it's fucking blogspot! where are my fucking colours?!?!?!??! ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!! fuck everything.

UPDATE 3: i'm just stupid and haven't eaten in over 48 hours. now how do i get my archives and "labels" on the left side of the blog?!?!?!? also, god still hates me then... or technology as the car is in the shop AGAIN. the third time in as many weeks. fucked royal. sooperduper royal.

my heart hurts

2010-08-31T15:00:00.000-07:00

fuck you, love. why can't you be enough?

there's always golf

2010-08-31T08:38:00.000-07:00

while i ponder how i am going to break up with boyfriend and how i will possibly live without him, i will let you enjoy me and a high school friend golfing last sunday. he's a professional (golfer). boyfriend refused to join us because he was working. he only does fun things without me.

here are our doting fans, the egrets:

here is clayton's follow-through. i like all the grass flying up:

here is me looking 20 lbs heavier than i am... especially around the waist. you should see how tiny it is right now. cooler weather and break ups always cause weight loss. then i'm all happy and shit, but no one gets to enjoy it. SAD FACE! at any rate, i wish we had waited a few more holes to take a pic when we fixed my grip. c'est la vie:

here is the mullet-in-progress and coors light (it's the ONLY way to golf):

finally, here is me drinking a coors light and ducking because i am tragically unphotgenic:

i forgot to get pics of our fantastic lunch in park city on the way home. again, SAD FACE!

now, i'm going to try and keep my composure as i had to leave work yesterday due to boyfriend induced sobbing. "compose yourself for a minute, honey. ok, now i want you to go get your things and act like you're going to lunch, but don't come back until tomorrow. i'll tell the receptionist you're not taking calls." i love greg.

fuck everything

2010-08-30T12:38:00.001-07:00

FUCK YOU, ANDY!!! fuck you. learn to hold your fucking booze. YOU need space because you are a fuckwad who had me in cold sweats and nightmares waking up every hour last night?!?!?!? create space. that's brilliant. that's a great way to fix this. it's not going to put my walls up or push me away or anything. jesus fucking christ... if you had half a brain, you'd know that this is the time you send flowers and ASK if *I* need space. even my fucking ex-fiance knew that. oh, for fuck's sake! i give up. i totally fucking give up.

boyfriend is on the right track

2010-08-26T07:58:00.000-07:00

do you know what is the only thing you can wake me up for that doesn't make me insanely angry? sex. DUH. so, yes, boyfriend, if you want to show up at 1.30am and disrupt my desperately needed sleep for this purpose, DO IT. and you did. and it was awesome. and, man a-fucking-live did it relieve some anxieties and insecurities that were driving me absolutey batty. and you also took me out for lebanese earlier?!?!? WHAT?!?!?! well played, sir. WELL. PLAYED.

boyfriend said my hairy legs were "gross"

2010-08-21T18:06:00.000-07:00

so i sent him this:

subject: why i hate shaving

1) being in the tub

2) being in the tub with sharp objects

3) being in the tub with sharp objects near my lady parts

4) being in the tub with sharp objects near my lady parts and armpits

6) being in the tub with sharp objects near my lady parts and armpits and legs

7) being in the tub with sharp objects near my lady parts and armpits and legs filled with soap and HAIR.

8) shaving.

i'll still totally put out.

love

then i shaved

what to do?

2010-08-18T12:39:00.000-07:00

the thing that really sucks about being in love is that you're either elated or miserable/depressed. i am currently the latter. fuck, man.

hello ms paint...

2010-08-13T11:22:00.001-07:00

... i have been looking forward to making your aquaintance. now that i have a new pimped out computer at work, that dream has become a reality. so, here's my first piece:

i never did get around to taking a photo of the drawing i did for boyfriend's birthday as he is quite walrus-y. i tried to scan it and shit, like i did with my self-portrait, but it was too big and my scanner was too gay. at any rate, as you have already surmised, clever reader, that is boyfriend thinking about how he loves me. now here is my second attempt:

be kind in your judgement for i have never drawn a squid in any medium and i did both of these with a fucking mouse. the squid is also a portrait of boyfriend. someday, when i figure out my adobe creative suite or this silly program called GIMP, i may be more advanced and create better shit. for now i just love the fuck out of ms paint. STOP JUDGING ME, BOYFRIEND!!!

living the dream

2010-08-12T11:12:00.000-07:00

so, last night was "girls' night out", which basically consists of me having a panic attack about dining with my ex-coworkers and always paying more than my share of the bill. whatevs... lebanese beef and okra... oh my shit YES!!! at any rate i left guy with boyfriend in exchange for bringing boyfriend food. after i left guy, my faithful beast, searched the house frantically and in the end torpedoed into exhaustion as boyfriend has documented:

and then i came home and changed into sweats and we snuggled (look at those GIANT front paws... they are fucking huge! and adorable):

and guy had the BIGGEST grin:

and then i had too much wine and guy and i went to bed while boyfriend played video games with his friend.

i'm a little bit country

2010-08-11T07:26:00.000-07:00

so, the radio in the good old city of salt has, over the last year or two (or more), turned to absolute shit. thusly, i have been listening to the country stations. and i'm not ashamed to admit that i took to them pretty naturally. so, fucking shoot me... i love country. at any rate, my morning sort of feels like a technilogically advanced classic country whine song. mostly because i forgot my cell phone and suddenly feel ridiculous separation anxiety from boyfriend. kind of like the day there were electrical problems with the webcams at doggie daycare and i didn't get to see guy all day. also, my new computer for work is here, but not formatted yet and my current computer decided to suck nards today and refuse to open outlook leaving me helpless to communicate with my clients, crews and office. and, finally, my space heater is being a dick... don't judge. air conditioner is always overboard in the summer. also, my hair looks like ass today. my hot curlers were, apparently, in no mood. so let's look at something pretty. namely the filter where the "bugs" (microscopic organisms, not invisible insects... the fuck, right?) work on the waste water, aka sewage, you will eventually be drinking:

p.s. that is actually water that my company put in to test the structure. the "bugs" (and sewage) have not moved in yet. it's surprisingly beautiful, non? the picture of me in my very own hardhat is too ugly, so you will have to suffer the loss, but you're pretty fucking stoic, so you should be fine.

happy accidents

2010-08-10T15:10:00.000-07:00

last night i had the great fortune of laying in the boffice (bed office) reading my newly acquired gem with guy winston churchill ______-federer. yves saint laurent is certainly one of the best things that ever happened to me:

while in said boffice reading said gem, i was enjoying this:

and it was fabulous. and then i fell asleep only to awake in the moring with a big walrus-y boyfriend next to me. that's when i realized just HOW happy i am that i gave him back his keys. but THEN... bom bom bom bom bom... there was an upset. ex-boyfriend began texting again. and this time i replied. you see, he wrote that he notcied i was offering my el camino as an incentive to buy my condo (bad realtor! that was supposed to be saved as deal closer if it was NECESSARY). so yeah, ex-boyfriend is stalking me online. at any rate, he said he knew "someone" who was interested.

me: $3500

ex-boyfriend: K. I will let u know.

me: [no response]

ex-boyfriend: are you engaged?

me: [GUFF] not yet.

ex-boyfriend: Like I said before. I'm happy for you. [like i didn't respond before, fuckwad and IT'S NOT TWO FUCKING SENTENCES!!!] Keep me updated.

me: it's really none of your business.

ex-boyfriend: K. Ouch!

me: [trying to forward to boyfriend, but accidentally forward to ex-boyfriend] this is more like it! fwd: from: _________ sent:___________ msg: K. Ouch!

BEST BLOOPER TIMES! this should buy me at LEAST a week of no ex-boyfriend texts!!!

then i told boyfriend at lunch and he snapped my picture immitating ex-boyfriend:

i'd feel bad for him, but seriously, dude brings it on himself. JHC.

boyfriend takes pictures

2010-08-09T07:22:00.000-07:00

so, i've been like insanely shitty about posting lately, but as you scroll down you will see why (hint: i work 9 fucking hours a day minimum). so this is a good one from a couple sundays ago on boyfriend's steps right before we went on a banana republic/anthropologie shopping spree for more work clothes. of course, boyfriend pitched in. BECAUSE HE'S BEST BOYFRIEND TIMES, BITCHES!!!:

guy is tiptoeing through the tulips, so to speak (read: looking for a spot to pee):

and here you have it, ladies and gentlemen... me and guy in our usual post-work/doggie daycare pose of separation anxiety/exhaustion:

you can barely tell, but there's a double rainbow here. when we were driving in you could see the entire arc of the rainbow, which i've never seen before due to obstacles (see below). at any rate, andy's all like "it's like lucky charms" while i'm saying, at the same time, "it's like 'the muppet movie'!" i totally fucking won:

and here's me and my baby in front of boyfriend's/our future home. sell, condo. sell, damnit!!!:

just stuff

2010-07-29T18:31:00.000-07:00

so, it's been a while since i posted. boyfriend and i broke up last night, but it didn't stick. we both agree that he is the majority of the problem, but i am also trying to think of ways to improve myself. i may or may not have asked him to read a book recommended by my dad on communication. so i'm gay like that. suck it. at any rate. we're all good now. AND i have the BEST FUCKING BOSS IN THE WHOLE FUCKING WORLD. i was half an hour late today (although i promptly called ahead to warn him) and then he let me cry in his office for an hour and a half. i kid you not, nor do i exaggerate. i mean, we DID go to high school together and shit the year i was at public school, but still... also, LOVE the job, but not the hours. 8am-5pm. the fuck? so, i basically just watch guy at daycare all day on my computer. here is a still from the webcam. sorry so small and blurry:

he REALLY is the king. they GUSH every time we come in. also, he is a kiddie pool hog. what can i say? i have a (very shallow) water baby.

the exes

2010-07-24T18:36:00.000-07:00

well, rich still won't leave me the fuck alone and trent has taken to drunk emailing me rather regularly. in general i think trent's art is shit, but he sent me this:

it's not amazing or anything, but i quite like it... and not just because it's a portrait of me.

it's boyfriend's birthday!

2010-07-24T18:27:00.000-07:00

as well as pioneer day aka utah's birthday. last year i spent this day pissed off as hell and drunk as hell camping with trent and 4 pretentious cunts in the west desert while trent made sure i didn't fall in the campfire. this year is much better. had an absolutely lovely lunch with boyfriend followed by yoga. shortly we will drink the champagne he bought me to congratulate my recent employment and watch fireworks. i even bought him a red sox cap. RED SOX. (and then i TOTALLY bought myself a new yankees cap. it's about balance, people). let us all celebrate with a nipple story:

setting: lunch with family (including stupid nieces and nephews) and boyfriend.

dad pulls me aside

dad: you shouldn't wear that dress around the kids. it's too low cut and you're setting a bad example.

me: *uber glare, swift turn and walk away*

dad: am i in trouble now? i'm in trouble now. but i saw your nipple.

me: *shouts* well, you're a lucky man.

dad: *audible eyeroll*

p.s. dad TOTALLY got boyfriend a birthday present and mom bought him a cake for family dinner tomorrow. BEST BOYFRIEND TIMES!!!

p.p.s. evs, i miss you desperately! are you home?

i have the worst timing

2010-07-21T16:47:00.000-07:00

but i still got the job despite my GIANT hickey. i am now the preconstruction/marketing coordinator for a large commercial and industrial construction company!!! and they are going over my salary requirements AND i have my own office. finally. i am so relieved... perfect job, perfect boyfriend, perfect dog. but FUUUCCCCKKKKK!!!!! i'm already having separation from guy winston churchill. we are going to his interview for doggie daycare tomorrow BECAUSE I'M A RESPONSIBLE AND LOVING PARENT, MOTHERFUCKERS!.

text to boyfriend: "it's clear that this canine is exceptionally brave. we declare him King of Doggie Daycare. interview concluded."

text from boyfriend: ...concluded after the awards ceremony.

good lord, i love him.

i had to cancel my gym membership, which sucks nards, but boyfriend and i are so active that i haven't been going much anyway. (boyfriend TOTALLY got me 7 pairs of compression socks and new biking gloves. fuck yeah!). a treadmill will be necessary come winter. looks like i'll be drinking less too. good riddance 10lbs. you don't stand a fucking chance.

WARNING:

2010-07-20T14:56:00.000-07:00

do not dare boyfriend to give you a hickey. may result in a hickey.

comminication

2010-07-20T14:53:00.000-07:00

so, boyfriend made this graph for me because he is basically perfect :

and as a retort i made this graph for him because i am basically schmoopy:

i am a really good friend. REALLY. GOOD.

2010-07-16T13:56:00.000-07:00

so, i took the dog to visit bill at his current/my former work today and i was playing a game with him called "guess where i bought my blouse!" because i always bring the fun. also, it's nice to upset bill when people are around and he is forced to be nice about it. at any rate, i'm a really good friend and i knew bill would want to cherish the game forever and always. that's when i made this:

i'm pretty sure i could get a job as a graphic designer with my ever increasing google docs portfolio. (click to enlarge)

boyfriend, you TOTALLY get me

2010-07-16T13:37:00.001-07:00

present from boyfriend:

SHUT THE FUCK UP, BOYFRIEND!!! true love:

a REALLY big fish

2010-07-13T16:14:00.001-07:00

YOU will be missed. deeply. from your very worst to your very best. thank you for 37 unbelievable years.

pure genius

2010-07-12T15:11:00.000-07:00

upon learning that my father had told me he might have metastatic melanoma, the following ensued:

mom: "WHY would you tell her that?!?!?!?!?"

dad: "because i was mad at her for being mad at me."

now i see where i get my sound logic.

also, i have given the dog a middle name. please say "hello" to guy winston churchill ______-federer.

belated independence day at the cabin

2010-07-11T21:10:00.000-07:00

boyfriend and guy at the swing:

mamma and cub at the swing:

SHUT THE FUCK UP awesomeness:

oh, piggy butt, i love thee so!:

roaming in the false soloman's seal:

true schmove:

the master of disguise!!!:

guy always smiles in photos with boyfriend:

if he won't pose with me...:

i will MAKE it happen:

boyfriend, unlike girlfriend, has steady hands:

i hate this picture of me vehemently (especially my fat-ass thighs), but it is the only one of all three of us (the family, if you will):

"boyfriend! those are MY sunglassses!!!" oh wait, i made him wear them and pose:

a sigh of relief: UPDATED

2010-07-11T14:27:00.000-07:00

so, everything is fine. my dad had a tumor removed and there was a chance that he might have metastatic melanoma, which is basically an incurable cancer. needless to say i was freaking the fuck out. but the tumor was benign. here's me in a french rose clay mask that boyfriend bought me because i was nervous about a potential breakout due to enormous stress levels. boyfriend also bought me new biking gloves so i can have soft girl hands... the callouses are almost gone. best boyfriend times!

i still need a fucking job like nobody's business.

UPDATE: mom: "why would you tell her that?!?!?" (that= possible death) dad: "because i was mad at her for being mad at me." BEST. DAD. EVER. ohmyfuckinggod, i am SO lucky to have my daddy, who has, by the way, delivered the most high-risk pregnancies in utah ever, which must be the MOST ever because mormons have babies like nobody's business. the point is, TOTAL DADDY'S GIRL!

now with helpful diagram!

2010-07-08T18:04:00.001-07:00

please click to enlarge. this is what guy does multiple times a day. why? no one can explain awesomeness:

p.s. i have a shit ton of photos of boyfriend, guy and me at the cabin that i need to upload, but, in the words of built to spill: "it takes a lot to make me crazy. and a lot is always going on." i'll get around to it when i'm more mentally stable. this shit is IMPORTANT, people. not my usual bullshit rants.

best marketing ever

2010-07-03T18:42:00.000-07:00

so, you may have noticed my mangled mug in my profile pic... and while i LOVE to let people speculate as to how it became so mangled, i will tell you that i had a bike crash, ripped half my face off (literally), remained unconscious for somewhere around 5 minutes, lost a front tooth later retrieved in one piece by a fireman and reinstalled in the ER, and screamed at the police "don't fucking touch me, motherfuckers! you're just criminals with badges" all the while bleeding profusely down my lovely sundress. fortunately for all, the dress magically cleaned of all blood. at any rate, below is NOT the bike on which the prior events were instigated. rather, it is the bike i purchased a couple of weeks after out of spite. fuck that shit if i'm not gonna get back on the horse, y'all:

at any rate, said beautiful, princess-bitch-spite bike has been sorely under-used as i have had few biking companions and i am, with much warrant, still a wee bit nervous biking on my own. but then there was boyfriend... and biking times. but REALLY, reader, what i want to know is, "can i interest you in a honey bucket?" oh my fucking shit... best name/logo ever. i must meet the hilarity that made this possible:

perhaps *i* cannot interest you in a honey bucket. BUt can you resist boyfriend? not possible:

as you will note below, i bring A LOT to this relationship. mostly in the form of sweat. and spite because every time we hit a hill (ALWAYS on the routes *i've* picked) i just cuss, sweat and scream at boyfriend the whole way up. it's a little something i like to call "mental fortitude" (note original tooth on front right despite asphalt's best efforts to make it not so... fuck you asphalt!):

and here i am wittlessly and unknowingly stuck in "alien pose" under the tyranny of master instructor/sage baron baptiste's power yoga with my bear cub (read: puppy love) while boyfriend snaps photos and waits for the pizza guy:

the point is i'm pretty fucking happy. ppppppppsss!

you can only pray that this is just a phase

2010-06-30T16:40:00.001-07:00

the retort

2010-06-30T14:13:00.001-07:00

well-played, boyfriend, well-played. however, i DID have to have the girl explain this to me and she aptly said that boyfriend could use "more detailed labels". i was all, "well, i don't know if he spent enough time in his docking port, er, bed last night." what robot, er, boyfriend is saying in the graph below is that he will not feed the monster human food in order to kiss the shit out of me. YAY!

this might make it easier to understand

2010-06-30T12:52:00.000-07:00

boyfriend is a biostatistician, which essentially means that he is illiterate. the only exception being if the words relate to data... or anything mathy really. and that is why i made boyfriend this graph to explain the harmful effects of non-dog food on the monster:

morning outrage

2010-06-30T09:18:00.000-07:00

dear readers... let us never speak of wimbeldon 2010, but instead let us smother my husband with love and eskimo kisses and disneyland.

moving on, let's DO get irrate about other things. like the fact that i can't get this:

or this:

until eleven fucking o' clock. the fuck, man?!?!? am i the only person who wakes up craving sandwiches and salads? i doubt it. be more accommodating paradise bakery!!! JHC. can one of you do something about this?

graphs are informative

2010-06-29T15:28:00.000-07:00

so, i finally figured out how to find the key words people are googling to find my blog on google analytics today. turns out that multiple people, through multiple misspellings, have arrived here via "man fucking bird". the hell readers? and the hell google? i mean, i know i wrote a post about hating birds and shit, but that hate was warranted. see how much you like being attacked by a hornbill at the tender age of four. fuck. but i bet if you googled "superdooper, really amazingly awesome pie charts" you would find this post. please see my pie chart below:

awesome. now please see boyfriend's superdooper not supportive response (which is a total rip off... pppssshhh):

but seriously, best boyfriend times and puppy love all around. except that i made the dog run a couple miles and then walk briskly back through a canyon (dragging the poor beast the whole way) and nearly killed him. when i got him back to the car he couldn't stand and i (thankfully) had bottled waters which i had to slowly drain down his throat. i'm a shitty mom. turns out that bulldogs aren't much for running. thanks for the heads up, assholes. YAY WIMBELDON!!!

BONUS: boyfriend also makes supportive pie charts, like so:

(i can click to enlarge, so i'm assuming you can too)

i got my hair did

2010-06-25T12:41:00.000-07:00

i got bangs.

they are sort of versatile.

photo documentation and shit

2010-06-25T11:02:00.001-07:00

here is boyfriend being handsome and super gay with his "protege". since they both look super gay, i'll clarify that boyfriend is in the red shirt.

and here we are at the zoo for boyfriend and protege's work party. i look like ass per usual and i don't know the chick in pink. she seemed pretty fucking annoying, so i didn't bother to try to get to know her either. i'm a total bitch like that. boyfriend and protege like to be pose-y.

again at the zoo where, i forgot to mention, THERE ARE NO FUCKING BEARS! NONE. ZIP. ZERO. ZILCH. as well, pretty much everything was shut down or the animals had been shipped off to other zoos with more acceptable living conditions. way to go zoo. way. to. go. (the tigers were totally tits though. duh.) i, again, look like poop and boyfriend and protege look even more pose-y.

boyfriend was pretty drunk when he took this and i was stone cold sober, which is a damn shame. at any rate, that's why it looks all blurry and shit. nonetheless, i think you can tell by comparing me to my self portrait beside me that i am a brilliant fucking artist. an artiste, if you will. and you will. or else... 'cause i'm a bear.

i'm a giver

2010-06-20T14:31:00.000-07:00

i drew this for boyfriend because i am basically the world's most amazing girlfriend AND artist (this is why daddy paid all that money to get me a heroin addiction, er, degree in studio art from vassar). also, i run around boyfriend's house yelling "i'm a bear!" all the time. even in front of company. i blame the tourettes. and bears.

UPDATE: it's not that i think you're an idiot or anything, reader. it's just that i need to make it clear that the above is a self portrait.

russians do it best

2010-06-20T14:11:00.001-07:00

the beta site for boyfriend and the russian's consulting firm:

the quotation marks are priceless. the russian has also threatened to "pound your data into submission" in the mission statement. YES PLEASE! boyfriend, don't edit the russian.

happy father's day!

2010-06-20T14:04:00.000-07:00

to the most dignified man i know:

best. dad. EVER! and grandpa. ask guy. he knows.

and to my best boyfriend times for being such a good dad to guy. i'm spoiled as fuck, man.

just look:

I'M ON A FUCKING PONY!!!

puppy love

2010-06-15T16:11:00.000-07:00

mmmmm... so, boyfriend surprised me with a bottle of sophia "champagne" and foot rubs last night. also, guy and i stayed over and guy was superdooper good. he also needs a new chicken soon. he's eaten both wings and started to disembowel his buddy. and boyfriend is getting a crate and bed so guy and i can stay more often. best boyfriend times! tomorrow night we are going to see steve martin's band play at red butte gardens. don't ask me. i don't make the rules. oh, and we also have a meeting to set up a contract to write a grant together. nerd alert! then thursday is yoga and movie night and friday is his company party at the zoo. shit, man. my social calendar is booked.

yes please, boyfriend!

2010-06-11T21:10:00.000-07:00

i love my boyfriend. i love my dog more. i love it that my boyfriend took me home a bit early so i could drink a rose (i don't know how to put an accent above the "e", so just pretend it's there and pronounce it correctly) to watch crime tv with my dog.

andy likes to look contemplative in photos. and swim. in the snow. with his wagner swim cap. and take handsome pills. why else would i call him handsome andy? duh.

yes and no

2010-06-08T18:02:00.000-07:00

dear boyfriend,

yes... YES!!! i will go to nepal with you! (assuming we make it to december). but seriously, man, SHUT THE FUCK UP! i'm going to give you an overall YES PLEASE! and keep it coming.

love,

girlfriend

p.s. it's NOT a constant. it's a differential. a differential who is being a total dick right now. are you STATisfied. holy shit... you like my math humour.

dear ex-boyfriend,

PLEASE stop. i am sublimely happy right now with an intelligent, successful, handsome, giving man who brings out everything good in me... along with all my neuroses, but that's inevitable when i trust someone. clearly, you have zero respect for me, but i know that my new man would not appreciate me fraternizing with exes, so FOR HIS SAKE, please please please GO AWAY. i don't have a place in my life for you.

i'm late to meet someone,

ex-girlfriend

dog: 1 mrs. roger federer: 0

2010-06-07T09:15:00.001-07:00

well, readers, it appears y'all are totally soulless. i mean, one post below this is a dog snuggling a canvas chicken whilst sleeping. A FUCKING DOG WITH A STUFFED CHICKEN! i'm pretty sure that ranks as the very highest order of cuteness and awesome. it's official... andy and i have both changed our facebook relationship statuses to "in a relationship". i mean, it's not for real and shit unless the 400+ people i barely know or don't know at all on the interwebs of "social" "networking" (both sets of quotations were necessary) aren't in the loop. so, yeah... i'm a girlfriend again and i don't really see much ranting in the near (or distant) future, but what good is my ranting if i'm prepared for it, right? calculated rant < tourettes. i need a fucking job. i only have 2 weeks of unemployment left. FUUUCCCCKKKKK!!!!! i'm totally applying the shit out of jobs, but everyone is all, "thanks for your interest... we're considering your application and reviewing your resume... we'll get back to you whenever the fuck we feel like it... but no sooner than 6 weeks." or some shit. google analytics tells me that i have a pretty decent readership in utah and i can't figure out why the hell y'all aren't offering me jobs. i don't cuss like this in the workplace. in fact i'm soft spoken and i have a very professional wardrobe. dead serious. WHAT DID I EVER DO TO YOU, ASSHOLES?!?!?!? at least joblessness made me consider andy as a potential suitor, so there's that and shit. AND he is really darling with my dog. probably 'cause motherfucker peed in my face and in my EYE- yes, my fucking eye- on saturday night when andy and i got home from making smores and drinking wine in the canyon. how is this possible you ask? just act severely traumatized then lay on your back like you REALLY NEED a belly rub to feel better. then let it fly. motherfuck.

oh jesus... i'm so damn happy. sorry.

2010-06-05T15:00:00.000-07:00

so, we went to the vet and it turns out that guy is a pure bred, but he's not an english bulldog... he's an olde english bulldog (badass), which is why he has a more defined snout and is so damn big. so, the vet tech is all, "old with an 'e'" and i'm like, "yeah. like the forty". vet tech looks at me cock-eyed and i look at the floor. holy fucking shit! how can you not LOVE a chicken snuggling dog?!?!?!? FOR REAL, Y'ALL:

andy found this video for me and, well, he totally gets me. this is so fucking tits. FUCK. i'm totally in love with andy. just shoot me. here we go again, man.

nuh uh

2010-06-04T08:54:00.000-07:00

so, i'm retardedly smitten with the love-texter. oh my fucking shit, man. seriously. and here's the crazy part... no wait, let me back up a minute. he's a statistician (aka mathamagician) for an extremely reputable company here, but he's also working on his dissertation to get his doctorate in public health. i could explain how that relates to math and statistics, but i already have a headache. also, he doesn't seem to work very much and even though he's renting, he has a killer house. of course, i don't really digest all of this information at once, but as separate pieces, so i don't notice that it's kind of odd. then last night he's all, "mrs. roger federer (i've already passed the point of no return for falling for this guy by this time) i need to tell you something... i'm really wealthy." and i'm all "SHUT THE FUCK UP!!! marry me. now. well, get me lipo first and then to the chapel! my steed awaits." but it was more like me not saying anything because i didn't want to be all interested and have him think i'm using him AND i'm not as superficial as i hope to be. i was a goner money or no. but, um, yeah... ICING!

i miss you, jack mccoy

2010-06-01T20:21:00.001-07:00

if sam waterston is selling it, i'm buying it:

probably jumping the gun.

2010-05-31T18:39:00.000-07:00

shit, man. the love-texter facebook/email guy is a DREAM. seriously. he picked me up today and we just grabbed coffee and sat in a park for four hours talking. he's soooo smart. i cannot begin to express the joy that brings me after ex-boyfriend. and hot damn! he was HANDSOME to boot. he's a bit damaged, but i already knew that from our emailing when we weren't interested in each other. so, i'm totally going to see him again and probably end up ranting and raging over a broken heart in a few months, but this guy seems worth the risk. i haven't eaten today AND had a big coffee (mrs. roger federer does not often drink coffee), so i take no responsibility for how cheesey i feel right now, nor for using the third person. how could i not fall for him when the moment he fell for me was after he waxed philosophical in an email and i replied "oh my shit! i hate the fuck out of that shit."? how can i resist a man who can't resist my tourettes? i can't, stupid.

please let it end

2010-05-30T20:31:00.000-07:00

ex-bf: "Just want to see what s happening. Let's go get drunk"

me: "no."

ex-bf: "I'm proiud of you. Obviously you can see you are still always on my mind."

me: "well, stop. nothing would be better than you forgetting about me."

ex-bf: "You lie"

me: "i do not. i want you the fuck out of my life. why would you want to be around someone who can't stand you? you're an idiot."

ex-bf: "You're fuck up. I wish you well... Evil one."

FML!!!

what did i do? UPDATED

2010-05-29T15:31:00.000-07:00

so, just a bit ago i wrote evs an email about these two crazy guys who are interested in me and then robin called asking me to go to a show tonight and i declined because i'm hungover as fuck AND i'm avoiding the drummer because he is interested in me too. and then i was all "the fuck?!?!??!" i must be sending out some insane phermones right now because all these guys are being crazy. let's make a list:

the dude from facebook who was helping me look for jobs via email and then we kept emailing and then last night he confessed his love (LOVE!!!) to me via text (TEXT!!!). we have never even met. admittedly i AM actually into this guy because he gets me and he's kind and he seems like a genuinely good guy. i'm just totally overwhelmed though.

the other dude from facebook who i kind of knew like 5 or 6 years ago who took me out last night RIGHT AFTER text-love-confessing went down and then took my hung over ass to lunch today and was talking in the future tense, such as "when you meet them..." oh, and i forgot to tell you evs, he also invited me to go gambling in this little podunk town called wendover on the utah/nevada border with his EX-FATHER-IN-LAW tonight. i declined.

the drummer who pounces on me every time i'm single and then i have to fend him off because i am beyond NOT attracted to him, which always ruins a good night because we get along swimmingly as friends.

rich aka ex-boyfriend who vowed last night never to leave me alone. fuck.

my trainer who is married... MARRIED.

the stalker... because he's a stalker. duh.

dirk who i am also not attracted to, but is super nice, but also doesn't really get my sense of humour.

richie who is constantly confessing his lust to me on facebook and it's totally inappropriate and not just because he's judd's friend, or that i only remember ever meeting him once, but because the things he says are inappropriate.

brad, my 50 year old ex who makes me cringe when i even think of him. he's always trying to spark a friendship, decides we're meant to be and then hates me for not reciprocating and writes nasty things on my facebook because he's really mature for 50. and i have to keep things civil so as not to make things uncomfortable for our mutual friends.

facebook is ruining my life. meatbag, i'm probably going to add you because i have a feeling it will take the edge off. also for you to check out all these doucheturds and offer your insight.

that's all i can think of offhand and it's like they are all ignoring the fact that i want a man who is rich... not named rich, but totally fucking loaded. hello?!?!?! trust fund? i don't know. i HAVE gone down a pant size from drinking less (excepting last night) and working out harder without losing a bra size and can now fit back into my college jeans (just 5 more lbs to go!!!), but i don't think that really explains any of this. all i want is a lobotomy, goddamnit! and a bbq chicken salad from paradise bakery. and a trust fund.

UPDATE: so, i left robin a voicemail that i was avoiding the drummer, like i said. then she calls me back and is all prying and shit like "when did he start asking you out?", "are you sleeping with him?", etc. then... BAM! she's all "i'm sleeping with him at least 3 times a week." fuck, man. drama. so, she's all upset and pissed and i'm like "FUCK!!! all i did was refuse advances and avoid further dates." now, robin's going to freak out on drummer and he's going to be pissed at me as well. all i did was drop an innocent comment, dude. i mean, if it's going to be all drama and shit, i'd at least like to be responsible for it. GUHHHH!!!

shit storm keeps shitting

2010-05-28T11:49:00.000-07:00

ex-boyfriend is trying to wear me down with incessant texting.

last night: "I'm hoping u have had a drink and will be nice to me."

goddfuckingdammnit!!! why am i such a nice drunk? i want to be mean and belligerent, but i only do that when i'm sober, apparently. last night, for instance, i had not had a drink AND the goddamend text woke me up. some of us are asleep at 10.30pm, assfuck.

my handicapped brother was diagnosed with diabetes yesterday. and it's bad. and he doesn't cope well (read: understatement of the... eternity). he's happy today because daddy's taking the three of us to disneyWORLD this year as a consolation prize where he can meet some power rangers and let them know that i am the original pink ranger. he's always been proud of me for that.

it's been a SUPER shit week. my oldest brother moved to arkansas (you read that correctly) on sunday and i got surprisingly emotional as we don't really get along or care for one another. early in the week dad went to the doctor for his knee, was given a percocet and scared the living shit out of me. we were on the phone and he couldn't form complete sentences and started dozing in and out. i'm SCREAMING "daddy!!!" into the phone and he's only responding half the time. he was fine the next day and had no memory of the phone call. i told him he'd make a shitty drug addict and that i clearly didn't get my tolerance from him. now jacob. my poor baby. at first they thought it might just be a tumor on his lymph node. tumors go away. cancer can too. diabetes doesn't.

dear god/universe/economy/etc,

UNCLE!!!

give it a rest,

mrs. roger federer

not a whole hell of a lot

2010-05-24T14:31:00.001-07:00

my blog needs a redesign... BADLY. like, nearly as bad as my life needs to be completely reinvented. starting with the job i am hoping for, so that i can pay down my credit cards to the point where i can hire someone to help me redesign this goddmaned blog because i have no idea how. also, i need some basic photoshop/illustrator tutorials to help me turn this blog in the direction i want it to go. do not be saddened, dear reader, but i hope to move on with a more positive tone. and if i have to do that by making fun at other people's expense with the aid of photoshop/illustrator, you can be DAMN SURE that i will. i'm so fucking uninspired. i mean, i'm pissed as fuck, but it's this stale, stagnant anger that can't muster up anything original to incense me to write. please send money.

everything > judd, but judd > rich, thus rich = worse than nothing

2010-05-21T22:13:00.000-07:00

dear ex-boyfriend,

WHY THE FUCK ARE WE STILL DISCUSSING THIS?!?!!?

all my hate,

ex-girlfriend

everything > judd

2010-05-19T16:39:00.000-07:00

today is judd's 41st birthday. a dedication:

in true self-sabotaging fashion i shall go watch the yankees game in a sexy little number with my trainer in the hopes that i see the stupid, fat fuck... 'cause i need to wish him an unhappy birthday. duh.

also, if anyone can tell me why the hell my youtube videos always get cropped when i post them, i'd appreciate it.

writer's block?

2010-05-16T19:04:00.000-07:00

sorry, for the lack of blogging... or, you're welcome? i'm in deep dark depression... like where it's debilitating instead of somewhat motivating. fuck, man.

kids, man.

2010-05-11T16:48:00.000-07:00

when asked if he'd been taking handsome pills, the dog just looked coyly to the side.*

*accurate account of actual events.

the last supper

2010-05-09T15:01:00.000-07:00

so, last night i had dinner with my girlfriend who is moving back to new york and she was kind enough to document it. i wish i'd gotten a pic of my vodka martini with a twist because it was tits. as was my wild mushroom bisque. here's the cork from our first bottle of champagne:

the veal chop with capers, pine nuts, chard and garlic mashed potatoes. shit, yes!

i don't have a pic of the goat cheese panacotta with strawberries and balsalmic glaze, but it was amazing... and i don't really care for desserts. i like my sugar in my booze. which leads me to the last picture right before we hit the second bottle:

i need more dates like this. but maybe some of the male-who-pays-and-puts-out variety. kelly will definitely do in a pinch.

you're welcome

2010-05-08T17:21:00.000-07:00

there's a question i often ask myself (which usually ends in me ordering pizza): what the fuck should i make for dinner? ummmmm... yes.

i take no responsibility

2010-05-07T09:59:00.000-07:00

this is a field of poppies taken by some dude i went to vassar with that i copied from facebook. DUDE! i would like to lay down right smack dab in the middle and fall asleep a la dorothy in the "wizard of oz". i was actually a poppy in a ballet of the "wizard of oz" when i was in grammar school. that costume was tits, man. total foreshadowing. it's like i'm not even responsible for my heroin addiction. yay!!!

shit, man. i JUST noticed that i wrote "SMACK dab in the middle". it's like this shit writes itself.

way to blow it, assfuck

2010-05-06T12:08:00.000-07:00

dear ex-boyfriend,

to my great surprise, you did not freak the fuck out and text/call/email me a hundred times to see where my signed copy of the contract disintegration was. this is very disappointing, ex-boyfriend, as i already had a snarky reply drafted in my text messages. instead i will have to relay it to you here:

contrary to popular belief, i do not control the postal service. other things i do not control include, but are not limited to traffic lights, the migrational patterns of geese, the weather, gravity, the temperature of the sun, space and time, etc.

please bear these things in mind, ex-boyfriend.

assuming you realize that any of these things exist,

ex-girlfriend

communication is key

2010-05-05T12:10:00.000-07:00

dear ex-boyfriend,

actually, yes, i DO have the right to call you all things i called you. it's called freedom of speech and it's a RIGHT, dickhole. did you seriously think that you could treat me with total disregard and an absolute lack of respect without me throwing it right back in your face? times ten? well, you underestimate me, you self-entitled little bitch. oops (see how i used your phenomenal reasoning skills just there?). i realize that i already told you you were a self-entitled little bitch. but you kind of suck major at retaining things (read: smoke a shit ton of weed), so i'm just here to be a friendly reminder.

eat a dick,

ex-girlfriend

read before you write

2010-05-04T13:26:00.001-07:00

the fuck, facebook? why does everybody keep spelling my name wrong? it's RIGHT THERE. next to EVERYTHING i write. look at it. spell it right. goddamnit!

also, i had a very explosive day fighting with the ex yesterday. screaming. serious. BUT i am out of my realtor contract with him!!! and the new lady i'm meeting with tomorrow sounds awesome. i mean, she HAS to be. she's the owner's wife's sister of the newspaper where i employed myself for 3 years. her marketing plan is TITS. because she actually has one. sweet.

i think this is a sign that i need REAL friends

2010-05-02T14:22:00.000-07:00

good god, my humour is wasted and/or overrated on facebook. so, i keep putting out posts that ask who is hiring and when can i start. and i'm being serious, y'all. SUPERDOOPER serious. i need a fucking job, man. but no one takes me serious on facebook- or anywhere else for that matter- but i'm talking about all my "friends", most of whom i've never met but they thought i wrote something funny on bill's page or some shit. so, there is this kid who is positively the LEAST funny dude ever. i'm not sure how we became "friends", but he is constantly replying to my posts and trying to be clever and shit. FAIL, dude. accept it. so he responds to the job post with "have you ever thought of being a talk show host?"- notoriously NOT funny. so, i'm all "no. i talk very quietly- almost inaudibly- in person and i have terrible stage fright. [no shit, people... that is the straight up truth] i also have a phobia of gaffers." my judd references are totally lost on this world (wide web). that's right... i did that. it's like i should get back together with him, so i have more material or at least a reference point. kidding... mostly. but really I AM FUCKING KIDDING.

attack of the text messages

2010-05-01T20:39:00.000-07:00

dear ex-boyfriend,

when did you turn into a short, thin, squinty-eyed judd? the fuck, man? i tell you to fuck off and you tell me i'm hot. THAT IS NOT A TURN ON!!! also, i never told you, but when you get stoned and your eyes get squintier and your hair is all puffy... well, you look exactly like beavis. EXACTLY. also not a turn on.

don't fuck off?

ex-girlfriend

all or nothing... i guess

2010-05-01T14:19:00.000-07:00

so, this whole not drinking for 5 and 1/2 days then drinking on the weekend thing is not really working out for me. did you read that last post?!?!?!? i hope not because i get all lovey and mushy as fuck when i'm drunk. i also forget that i swore off drunk blogging... because i'm drunk. duh. what i'm saying is that i am SOOOOOO hungover AND i blacked out last night. apparently FDL (falling down mrs. roger federer) made an appearance as well as a physics defying fall. i know this because i have a bruised right shoulder blade, right inner ankle and left hip. i also woke up with a lighter in my bed, which seems quite dangerous. this leads me to believe that i was smoking cigarettes, which would help account for the degree of hangover from which i am suffering. luckily i didn't text, call, or email anyone. my facebook got a little mushy, but not too bad. what i'm saying is that i think i need to not drink at all because turning back into an amateur is not really working out for me. i mean, shit man, i even drank half perrier and half wine to try and avoid this. AND i only made it through a bottle and a half. three weeks ago i could have made it through two bottles and woken up feeling superdooper. realistically, i'll still drink if i go out, which is practically never, but i honestly think i'm giving it up at home. don't hold me to that. i'm a very fickle creature. oh shit. i should also mention that around 8am i got up to take the dog out and made stove top stuffing for breakfast. then i ate 5... FIVE fucking pieces of pizza for lunch, which is totally self-defeating as the reason i cut back on drinking was to cut back on calories. FUCK. and my regular jeans are too tight, my fat jeans are WAY too big and my in-between jeans are slightly too big. goddamnit, i can't afford in-between in-between jeans. the utah state liquor store is probably going to go out of business without me. according to bill anyways. poop.

on the bright side...

2010-04-30T18:03:00.000-07:00

for real, y'all!!!

this picture was taken while i was on the treadmill, so it's rather blurry, but.... oh my fucking shit fucking shit shit shit... cutest dog:

so, in good news, guy "fatty-fatty-butterpants" ______-federer is adapting really well and is TOTALLY a mamma's boy. damn straight bitches. we've been together just over a month and he has already learned to sit and stay to go in and out. to heel when we walk. etc. etc. but the important thing is that he no longer holds his head down for a beating when i go to pet him. AND i can even point at things with my foot without him curling up to prepare for the fucking beating of a lifetime. honestly, it makes me sick as fuck that anyone could treat my baby that way. i mean, i know i can't handle children without fucking them up supremely... SO I DON'T HAVE THEM MOTHERFUCKER!!!. at any rate, we are doing awesome on the discipline-without-threat training. he is so damn smart... and too cute for me to be pissed when he fucks up. oh, the lovins! totally makes up for the incessant farting. and that time this morning when i kissed him on the lips while he belched on me. my baby!!!

i [DO NOT] want you

2010-04-30T16:25:00.000-07:00

dear ex-boyfriend,

you had better be in the fucking icu (and you better have been there since wednesday prior to 4pm) or else you'd better fill my home with white lilies, purple lilacs, violets, balloons, ponies and a fucking parade if you want to be "friends". FILL IT motherfucker! honestly, dude, i hope that your habits in your personal life don't overlap into your professional life. however, i suspect they do because you don't sell shit... well, legal shit... like property. you are a "realtor" after all. and then you accuse me of being the reason you haven't made anything of yourself. THE FUCK?!?!?!

please die,

ex-girlfriend